If you review the timestamps you will notice that I am "adding to a thread" which has been active within the last two months and is directly related to my issue. This thread is the top google result. So I would recommend locking the thread if you do not wish for it to continue to be active, as I'm sure (due to the lack of resolution) others will drop by and ask questions.
Either way, after beating at it with a hammer for a few hours, I got the thing uninstalled and removed from AD.
I guess this thread will remain useless for subsequent unsuspecting googlers.